I have a regular guest over for dinner who, until last week, has made a point of being elaborate in praise over the way I cook my meat. Last week when I invited this guest to join us for dinner, she asked me whether it would be possible to add some flavour to my chicken as she felt it was a bit bland.
Many people would be quite angry at the request, but in truth, the request itself didn’t bother me at all. What bothered me was that she had previously lauded something which she never really liked in the first place. She obviously did it to make me feel better about my cooking. But I don’t want false praise, I want the truth. I am happy she was finally truthful with me about my seasoning skills, because had she not, I wouldn’t have realised.
There is a habit among many of us to avoid conflict by not being candid and up front with others. Many hide their true feelings, let resentments simmer under the surface and fail to address hurt feelings so as to avoid a major scene and a war of words. This isn’t a healthy practice. In fact, it is being disingenuous.
There is a way to be truthful and constructive whilst at the same time considering the feelings of others. There is a way to be honest and communicate important issues without causing acrimony. We must teach our children to say what they mean and mean what they say within such a context. That way, relationships will be based on trust, people will know where they stand, apologies can be offered and accepted for indiscretions and communication can proceed without intrusive boundaries.
Yes, it is crucial that matters are raised in a respectful and courteous manner. Yes, judgements must be withheld when they are petty and without purpose. But the last thing we should teach our children is to be phoney in order to avoid conflict.
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